A few random thoughts.

For mood music: Demon Hunter: Fading Away
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaRVDbd_iSA

...For someone born and raised in the south, I don't very much enjoy the company of stereotypical country bumpkins.... Note that there actually aren't that many around here, but they do indeed exist.

...The campus is almost deserted because of the holiday weekend. Hardly any cars in the parking lots around here. The only difference between day and night now is the color of the sky and the presence of joggers. Thanks to said Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday, I've got a three-day weekend to enjoy (thus the desertedness of campus). At least something good came out of the Civil Rights movement.

...I've also noticed that the main social group I've been in and greatly enjoyed is busting apart; be it graduating from college or relationships dragging them away, this group is more or less dissolved. I'm in other groups, yes, but this one I enjoyed the company of most. Sometimes, you just have to heave a heavy sigh and start again with new friends.

The problem is, I've had enough of making new friends; I want closer ones. On a more positive note, over the past few days, I've made the acquaintance of five new people. Maybe they can lead me to new social groups who have more time before they have to go away...?

Also, since there is little homework for me to do currently (that'll change very soon), I've been debating with a couple of people on Facebook about the topic of creationism versus evolution and another about gun ownership rights and the second amendment. It's a lot of effort to do so, and I'm always surprised by what people will believe without logically analyzing things for themselves. I couldn't imagine such an existence: accepting things around them and not questioning their factual basis...? No offense intended toward anyone, but I wonder why some people stick to incorrect views even in the face of irrefutable logic and evidence?

Anyway, the hand is doing much better now; thanks for asking.

[It actually took until 20120124 in order to post this because of spotty internet access.]

_BlueScreen, 20130121 [I'm dropping the time-of-day numbers from the date stamp; it's too much effort to keep doing it and it doesn't offer much useful information anyway.]

I walk alone.

For mood music: Greenday: Boulevard of Broken Dreams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_1PMEfUMQI

This post is a little along the lines of the last post. Kind of like a continuation and explication....

Have gone through the first day of Spring 2013 classes. I see so many people's mouths move at once, and hear sounds come out, but do not understand the words. The dull roar of this continuous cacophony of irrelevance begins to give me headaches. Such a noisy campus.... 

I see couples everywhere around here. They look blissful, and I'm happy for them. But it makes me so lonely in the crowd.... Going to a technical school has turned out to be the most lonely thing I've yet encountered. It's hard to maintain focus and motivation when there's nobody to share the experience with....

The lyrics to the linked song describe my feelings, and situation well. So well.... I wish the situation would change, but I'm powerless to do anything about it. Am I, really? I don't know anymore....

It's been a long day. Too long. Only one day of classes down, and already am ready to move on. It's time for a change of scenery; ...let's just get this semester over with. 

I probably shouldn't express such personal things on the Internet, but what else can I write but the truth? How can anyone expect me to keep wearing a mask of constantly shallow, ever over-optimistic happy stuff that ends with a witty quip? It's what people like to read, but not what I like to write. One of the many benefits of writing in a blog and not on Facebook is that everything you write is not splattered in the readers' faces, so you tend to panic your friends and acquaintances less when you write depressing posts. Oh well. I wonder if anyone will read this blog and learn to not make the same mistakes I have? Or at least realize they're not alone in such thoughts?


(Excerpts from the lyrics of Boulevard of Broken Dreams; for those of you who don't want to click on the mood music link)
I walk a lonely road/
The only one that I have ever known/
Don't know where it goes,
but it's home to me and I walk alone/
I walk this empty street, on the boulevard of broken dreams/
Where the city sleeps, and I'm the only one and I walk alone/
I walk alone/
I walk alone/

I walk alone/
I walk a/

*Chorus:*
My shadow's the only one beside me/
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating/
Sometimes I wish that someone up there will find me/
'Till then, I walk alone/*end of chorus*

I'm walking down the line/
That divides me somewhere in my mind/
Of the borderline of the edge and where I walk alone/

*other lyrics*

Check my vital signs and know I'm still alive/
And I walk alone/

*more lyrics*

I walk this empty street/
on the boulevard of broken dreams/
Where the city sleeps/
And I'm the only one and I walk a/

*a few more lyrics before the song ends with a guitar solo*


_BlueScreen, 201301172315

And so another semester begins.

For mood music: Ian Van Dahl: State of Mind
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVr0ugSZir8

Back in Cookeville. Again. Time to go through another semester of eating cafeteria food (which is okay, but it's never anything like home cooking), doing homework late into the evening, not getting enough sleep, then doing exams early in the morning, dodging crowds all day, and then walking the deserted, lonely streets at night in order to de-stress and re-focus. Been there, done that. I don't mean to complain, but I fail to see the potential for adventure this semester, but I dearly hope that changes.

Maybe it's time to stop living so vicariously; passively.

But this is not to say that campus life at Tennessee Technological University is bad. I'm just a little... I dunno what the right word is....  Don't want more of the same this semester. Sure, things are going great, and I've gained much social skills, friends, and academic knowledge, but it seems like things are slowing down, stagnating. It's time to try something different. No clue what, but the current routine is... going nowhere. Boring, even.

_BlueScreen, 201301162250

Reflections upon transitions

[There are a lot of mood music links here mainly because the ones linked to are extremely short.]

For mood music: Temple One - Eternal Light (Original mix)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfXDMBvs8lk

One of the many consequences of maintaining an active mind is the inevitable result of continually having great ideas, half-baked as they initially are, and no matter how good of an idea, it always gets forgotten (memorization is not exactly one of my strengths). So, I always keep a notebook nearby in order to allow me to remember the ideas better, improve them, flesh them out, perhaps even bring them to fruition at a later date. There have been countless nights where I've long gone to bed, but been kept up by the flickering seed of an idea, but it keeps me tossing and turning restlessly. The noise of its tenacious cry to be remembered permits no rest until it has been recorded for posterity. Then I get a flashlight out and record this piece of thought on paper. Once done, my mind is cleared of material to work with, and it falls asleep. Over time, the notebook becomes completely filled with schematics, drawings, miscellaneous text I've jotted down, etc., and so from time to time it has to be ended and another began. With a 70-page spiral-bound notebook, there's only so much room of course. After filling a couple of these, I began to name them.

People name important inanimate objects all the time; cars, ships, buildings, even guns. I name my notebooks, because they hold liquefied cogitations; a distilled piece of my own personality.

Another thing needs to be explained before I can get on with the main ramblings here: calendars. Since about a year ago, I've had a paper print-out calendar. Just plain squares with numbers; no colors or fancy stationery. It's stayed with me for most of that time and when I need to remember or record a major event, like submitting an assignment, or someone's birthday, it is written in. Granted, it's not as detailed or emotionally significant as, say, a diary, but it's interesting to look back over what has transpired and have those short, sloppy scrawlings cause one to remember the circumstances under which they were made, and the events that became associated with them: the people met, things done, memories made. If it were not for this small bundle of humble paper, my life would have been that much more difficult. Why? Think about it: because a calendar allows a conscientious note-taker to effectively possess almost flawless recollection of tasks that need to be done on a deadline. Thus, having a calendar within arm's reach at all times in order to record a reminder at a moment's notice has become second-nature. No, I do not name my calendars.

For mood music: Ron Van Den Beuken - Overdrive

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0QM9F9v-bY

Alright, alright, here's the point. As stated in a previous blog post, this past semester beheld many first's to me. But this winter break has been almost completely a time of relative solitude, contemplation, introspection, and mostly retrospection. Sometimes you have to spend a few moments to escape distractions, seek some quiet in order to do some long-neglected soul-searching to remember who you've been, who you are, and who you want to be. I'm not explaining it right, so try to see the ideas behind the words used... You have to simply be distant from a situation in order to have a more complete perspective on what you're looking at.

Let's try a sports analogy: when you're a football player on the field, all you can see is what's in front of you. Everything else going on is out of sight or partially obscured by other things going on. Other players move around, preventing you from perceiving their formation; deafening cheers of the crowd block you from hearing any possible communication from your teammates. Now, take your perspective and throw it into the livingroom of a sports fan watching the event on television. Not only do the cameras allow the fan to simultaneously see what everyone is doing, the instant replays emphasize important details and events that otherwise would have been missed by a less-observant eye. And there's the entire microphone network allowing the fan to hear many things going on. And don't forget play-by-play interpretation by the sports announcers.

Such is the difference between involvement and distance from an event or series of events. The distance need not be actual physical removal; it could also be emotional or time distance. In this case, it's time. As they say, hindsight is 20/20. I'm inclined to agree. This December, it feels as if the intro- and retro- spection coupled with deep contemplation has made it a time of transition. Looking back, I see a nerdy person who is unbearably awkward around other people and bumbles about clumsily in almost every conversation. Today, when I look in a personality mirror, the nerdiness is just as present, but not as dominating a feature. The awkwardness has faded considerably. A different person is there.

For mood music: Thomas Bronzwaer - Resound

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wF_C8yqo1Pk

What does this have to do with notebooks and calendars? Well, a week ago my most recent notebook filled up. I looked back through it, examined the progression of thought patterns during a lengthy trip down memory lane. The earliest entry is from August 13, 2008. That was a full year before entering into college. That entry was written by a homeschooling teenager who had no formal training in any profession, never had a "real" job, had no friends, had the vaguest of ideas as to a direction for his future path. He never had had anyone to talk to, go on a walk with him to eat lunch, or any connection with a like-minded individual. No idea how to talk to a girl, much less hold a conversation. That poor kid had no idea how lonely he was....

And the calendar only went to December 2012. Naturally, a new one had to be acquired beginning January 2013. That makes two major changes occurring, both of them marking the end of one chapter in life, but the beginning of another. No, this is not about cheesy new year's resolutions; the fact that it happened at this time is entirely coincidental. This is about progress.

For mood music: Thomas Bronzwaer - Shadow World (Mix mash up)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oxxo9RpoSc

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it would seem the mark of maturity is not what you've gained so much as what you've let go of. It's nearly impossible to embrace who you are turning into unless you let go of who you've been. Sure it sounds like mushy identity crisis jargon, but at least it makes sense; you have to close the current chapter before you can turn the page. Improvement doesn't happen by sitting still. But now I'm being didactic. The last thing you need is a piece of pedagogy from me in your face.

For mood music: Temple One - Silent Nature [Original Mix] HQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTTDOLfj4ao

...Sigh, it makes me uncomfortable to talk about myself and semi-personal thoughts so much; but I can't help but write about things. The only other options for writing in a blog are the robotic projects I've been doing, which few people will understand (and I'd much rather DO the projects than talk about them), or writing short-story fiction, which can be interesting sometimes. Short-story fiction can allow one to express feelings and emotions, but the alternate settings, characters, etc. either depart from reality and become irrelevant to the things I'm going through, or risk becoming parables of a daily drama with thin masks over the character's faces when we all can figure out they are just codenames for real people that the author wants to gossip about but can't do so directly without alienating the rest of their social network so the author dresses it up as pseudo-fiction....

None of these situations are desirable, but on the other hand, talking about oneself for so long just smacks of ego. How to avoid doing such? Haven't the faintest idea, but not much is going on where I'm sitting besides said technical projects and reminiscing. No worries, once the semester begins, there will be plenty of events to write about.

I'll probably be embarrassed at some later date that any of the personal stuff in this post, or indeed this entire blog, was written by me, much less posted on the Internet, but how else is someone to know me if not by my mother tongue? The spoken word stumbles haltingly, and trips over my lips, whereas text flows with graceful ease. Ideas, emotions, events, most of them can be effectively communicated with the written word.

My heart sees in color, but my mind only understands black and white....

While in a digressing mood, we might as well mention the current mood music, Temple One - Silent Nature from 4:10 to about 4:37, seems to portray a kind of inner calm only silent, introverted people seem to have and enjoy. All else is still and the peace allows one to relax... rest. A moment of pure calm where there is no agitation or inner warfare. A conflicted, lonely soul like mine craves and cherishes these brief slices of time....

Well, it's getting late in this time zone. Time to stop rambling so much.

_BlueScreen, 201301120357

12-gauge tactical goodness.

Had the opportunity to shoot a gun today. Always is a fun event.

But today, I'll tell you one thing; shooting a pistol-grip 12-gauge tactical shotgun one-handed (yes, one-handed) will make you look Slyvester Stalone-esque macho awesome for about three seconds. Then, about a minute later when feeling comes back to your hand, you'll wish it didn't because then you've got a little cut on a knuckle, a bruise in your palm, and possibly a pulled muscle in your thumb. You people just have no idea how much a Mossberg model 500 (a comparatively light weight and short-barrelled pump-action shotgun) will kick with No.6 ammo: a lot. 

It seems almost every gun I shoot cuts my skin in some way. Then again, it doesn't seem to happen to anyone else, so it must be that my hands are delicate or something...?

Apologies for the relative brevity of this post; I know I said this will be the repository of rants too long for facebook, but I'd rather not strain my shooting hand for a few days. It's kind of sore.

Remember: the moral of the story here is that shotguns rule! :D

_BlueScreen, 201301101620

'Wild at Heart' book report

[Please note that when I post a link to 'mood music,' that means it's best to have that music on loop while you read what I've written up until the next mood music link; music, the purest expression of emotion itself, helps greatly to enhance the meaning, tone, and intent of the text. This post has a great number of links on it because it is more emotional than usual, so bear with me here.]

For mood music: Amethystium - Strangely Beautiful
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53lfXb73z3c

At the recommendation of someone close to me, I've been reading the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge. Haven't finished it yet, but closing in on the end of it. Very few books are so good that I can't put them down; with this one, I seriously considered reading it all night and simply not sleeping until it was finished. In my 3 and 1/2 years of engineering school, I've done one all-nighter, and that was because I absolutely had no other choice. This book was more than good enough that I nearly did that voluntarily. Which leads to my understatement of the month: it's a darn-good book.

Before reading it, I had many, many burning questions that keep following me everywhere. Very few of the people around me, or our culture made sense: there's a cause for everything, but why can't I figure it out? From numerous careful everyday observations, I've gained small insight into human nature, as well as why men are as they are and ditto with women. No, this is not the "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" kind of thing. That's a drastic oversimplification that glazes over what's really going on. "Wild at Heart" is about what masculinity (and a little about what femininity) actually is, what it's meant to be, and what has gone wrong in so many people as they try to mature, but suffer crippling emotional hang-ups they find hard to recover from, or even recognize. Why do some men drive big trucks, buy bigger houses than they can afford, obsess about video games and sports, put on a fake macho appearance? Why do others shrink away from any kind of conflict, never rise to the occasion, and have a revolving door of women they use, abuse, and toss? What is the real cause of men having affairs and/or abandoning their families? Why is pornography so addictive to many men? What is the real, root cause of homosexuality? These are just a few of the things hounding me, not allowing my psyche any rest until answers, real answers, were found. Many a night I've gone on long, weary walks wandering the empty, abandoned streets at night, asking the heavens the questions that make my anguished, lonely heart heavy as lead, but receiving only agonizing silence as an answer.....

For mood music: Audiomachine - The Messenger
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UrvbhPslCg

More importantly, what's the root cause of, and solution to, such problems?  

Over time, I've heard many explanations, most of them conflicting. My gut has given me sneaking suspicions as to what the answers might be, but my logic could never quite reach a definite solution. Couldn't quite put my finger on any of these tough questions despite applying enough analysis and linear cogitations towards it to fill a huge tome. Most of my thoughts' efforts were spent wading through the baseless, evidenceless opinions of people who hadn't thought this out, and, quite frankly, bull. (No offense intended.) Sure, some people are on to something, but when you follow the dollar, so to speak, you find it's only one branch of the tree of these issues. Only a symptom. Those of you who know me will also know I don't waste time wading through superficial garbage any longer than necessary; I want the truth and only the truth.

Fo mood music: Audiomachine - Legacy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYXiTN2GCdg

The author can be verbose, redundant, and get sidetracked at times, but as I critically read and seriously contemplated the ideas presented, John Eldredge's extensive personal experience and no-nonsense attitude shone on page after page. Everything was spelled out in a simple way I could understand. My healthy skepticism revealed every word he wrote to ring true and his points hit the mark dead center.  Upon reading the book, I performed an honest evaluation of myself, searching myself deeper than I'd dare to before. It was not a comfortable experience, but sometimes, you just have to grit your teeth and dig deeper. You'd be surprised by what you've been lying to yourself about for so long....

For mood music: Audiomachine - The Truth
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYeYold6Uys

In light of the massive things learned, it all just... clicked. Lightbulbs flashed on. The way I've been viewing myself, people around me, interacting with them.... all wrong. So wrong. Backwards! How could I not have seen this? How could I have been so stupid, so blind? There's no way for me to explain it fully in music, text or poetry the wonder of experiencing that revelation: The bigger picture of  the deepest drive of the souls of men, women, humanity, even a bit of God and who He is makes utter, complete sense now. What we've been told by society, and even by a large part of the church... gave us the wrong impression of who we are, who we ought to be, and what we are here to do. Not to be a drama-queen, but I've been shaken to the core, and my way of thinking have done a complete 180; hopefully, in a much better direction. I can only send heartfelt thanks to the heavens for finally answering the toughest of my questions in one fell swoop.

For mood music: Thomas Bergersen - Dreammaker
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k20NwCro8ig

 I want to strive to be a different person. A better one. If you happen to run into me in person, be brutally honest and say what you think of me; the impressions I leave on you. Let me see my flaws so I can fix them.

"Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge. Get the book. Read it. Like any book, it won't answer everything, but it will attack the biggest questions head-on and leave you with a degree of closure.

I'll end with a quote:
“Manliness consists not in bluff, bravado or loneliness. It consists in daring to do the right thing and facing consequences whether it is in matters social, political or other. It consists in deeds not words.” - Mahatma Gandhi


_BlueScreen, 201212290223


  

Fall Semester 2012 in retrospect.

Mood music for the first part of this post: Mark Petrie – Global Reach

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8tG2HFFM3E

Looking back, this past semester held many firsts for me. For instance, this semester was when I first:

-Did not make an A in any of my classes. This disappoints me, but considering one of them was calculus-based physics 2 (arguably one of the hardest courses you can take at Tennessee Technological University), it is quite understandable. But still the drive to excel nags me endlessly.

-Retook a course. Last time, I simply had too heavy a workload and had to let a class drop. Differential equations was the one to take the ax. So this semester, I retook that one. It was easier the second time around due to the mere familiarity of the material, but due to the aforementioned physics 2 this semester, I honestly couldn't spend the necessary time to properly memorize the material. For instance: the trigonometric identities. I knew the few that the instructor used most often on the quizzes, but as for the others... no clue. Which bit me in the rear on the exams.

-Got a 'D' and was happy about it. This was for the second try on the differential equations. If I hadn't passed this course, my graduation would be delayed by a whole semester (again). Not good.

-Bought (ethyl, or drinking) alcohol. I have been of legal age to buy it for a while now, but never bothered to. Not the drinking type myself, but it is nice to have a bottle of it around just in case of a special occasion. Have no clue what that might be, but it's good to be prepared.

-Carried a concealed firearm in public. I now carry a registered firearm with me everywhere I am legally able to. It's not just for my protection, but for those around me. You never know when a life-threatening crime will happen to yourself or someone near you; and I can't stand the thought of helplessly watching it unfold as I do nothing about it. Now, if you (the reader of this article) do not like guns, that's okay. I respect your differing opinion, but that respect holds only as long as it is mutual. I refrain from shoving fanatical pro-gun politics down your throat, and therefore you should return the favor with your anti-gun politics. Let me have my weapon. I have a spotless criminal record (not even a speeding ticket to date), and went through a firearm safety course to boot; I freaking have a right to own and use a gun.

-Lived in an apartment and not in the dorms. It cost only half as much as a dorm room, and I get three times the space, a non-publicly shared bathroom, and some peace and quiet at the wee hours of the morning. Hootin' and hollerin' are fine, but NOT at 3AM the night before an exam.... Plus, my floor of the dorm held the pot-smokers, so the bathrooms were always trashed, the place was always noisy, etc. On move-out day, there was a condom water-balloon fight. I kid you not. Hope those things were not used, but with that bunch, you never know..... Glad to be outta those dorms.

-Had a nosebleed from crying myself to sleep. It was probably more from the stress of exams coupled with the dry winter air, but extreme emotional distress is definitely a factor in such things. Turns out that blood in the nostrils can be quite an irritant to allergy symptoms. Have to look out for that in the future.

-Witnessed a genuine food fight. Three of them, in fact. Granted, they were perpetrated by the same two people (who shall remain anonymous, but you know who you are) all three times, but were nonetheless entertaining to watch. Fascinating it is, to discover the many finite ways in which a given container of consumables may be spilt.

-Walked through a door which a girl that I know is holding open for me. Having lived a sheltered life up until college, I have a habit of trying to compensate for a lack of social skills by being gentlemanly/polite to an almost creepy degree. And, it's sometimes difficult to treat others as social equals and not as superiors. Indeed, in most social situations, I feel like a blind man in a minefield. Awkwardness abounds.... But fret not; the situation becomes slightly amended almost every day.

-Said two things at once. Got hyped up on caffeine one night and my mouth tried to spit out two words at once from different sentences. Ended up sounding like a tongue-fumble, but somehow, both words came out. For someone who speaks, moves, even thinks slowly, this kind of event can be quite rare.

-Bought a mattress. There was not already a bed I could crash on at the apartment, plus I was going to need a mattress to haul around for other places I would move on to. Besides being a relatively large and long-term financial transaction, the significance of having a bed to call my own also felt like it symbolized me planting a foot out in the Big, Wide World, outside of my parents' home. I may return to my childhood bed from time to time when visiting the family, but I don't live there anymore.

-Read a large portion of the Bible consecutively. Reading (and meditating on) the Bible from cover to cover has been on my bucket list for some time, so I started reading a little bit of it beginning in Matthew. Every now and then, I'd read for about ten minutes before going to bed. Then a week or two later, pressures from school, friends, life's obligations, and so on weighed heavily on me. Difficult questions hounded me every waking moment. What is the goal here? What am I trying to prove? Will I ever amount to anything? And especially to this day: Despite my best efforts, why am I still so lonely? The emotional turmoil took a toll. Felt like I just didn't have it in me to keep going. It became a battle just to get out of bed in the morning. Out of sheer spiritual necessity, I made a point to read and pray over whatever verses I read every night, no matter what. This was not mere dragging-eyes-over-the-page kind of reading; this was comprehensive reading as much as one could muster. There were many nights I'd read the same passages again and again, the whole while mystified, confused, sometimes captivated. By far I didn't understand a fraction of what I read through, but what tiny shreds I did understand bolstered my faith to the point I had something to hold on to. Reading the Bible hasn't made my problems nor all my innermost pain go away, but it did give me something to keep me going when I had nothing left to give. During Final Exams week, when you become sleep-deprived, the demands of school triple, friends are nowhere to be found, and you have been emotionally shot for a number of weeks already, that's all you can hope for. To survive until it ends. Right at the last day of last semester, I finished reading John. So that's Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John read over a period of about four months. Average speed was about a chapter or two a day. So, if that kind of pace can be kept up, the whole thing could be read in... what, a year? Sounds do-able to me.

Okay, now you'll notice I don't talk about my faith that often. But when I do, I mean it. Just keep that in mind.

-There are many other firsts, some mundane and not worth writing about; others are private and will not be mentioned here. Only the more interesting ones were included in the above list.

Mood music for the remainder of this post: Audiomachine – As Daylight Dies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIsK3ryNwdI

So, as the metaphorical credits have long past rolled by for last semester, the winter break has given me ample time to reflect upon its events. Some events were triumphs, some ended with regrets. But in all, so much has happened; I've learned and matured so much in -and mostly out of- the classroom and feel like a different person entirely. That unbearably awkward, almost creepy geek I used to be is fading away bit by bit.... The song As Daylight Dies haunts me in the way it describes so much of my feelings, but I hope my sun is far from setting.... If I can just survive to graduation, I just might have a chance to make something of myself; test my limits on a greater adventure; grasp for something bigger. We'll see. We'll see.

_BlueScreen, 201212280109