[Please note that when I post a link to 'mood music,' that means it's best to have that music on loop while you read what I've written up until the next mood music link; music, the purest expression of emotion itself, helps greatly to enhance the meaning, tone, and intent of the text. This post has a great number of links on it because it is more emotional than usual, so bear with me here.]
For mood music: Amethystium - Strangely Beautiful
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53lfXb73z3c
At the recommendation of someone close to me, I've been reading the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge. Haven't finished it yet, but closing in on the end of it. Very few books are so good that I can't put them down; with this one, I seriously considered reading it all night and simply not sleeping until it was finished. In my 3 and 1/2 years of engineering school, I've done one all-nighter, and that was because I absolutely had no other choice. This book was more than good enough that I nearly did that voluntarily. Which leads to my understatement of the month: it's a darn-good book.
Before reading it, I had many, many burning questions that keep following me everywhere. Very few of the people around me, or our culture made sense: there's a cause for everything, but why can't I figure it out? From numerous careful everyday observations, I've gained small insight into human nature, as well as why men are as they are and ditto with women. No, this is not the "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" kind of thing. That's a drastic oversimplification that glazes over what's really going on. "Wild at Heart" is about what masculinity (and a little about what femininity) actually is, what it's meant to be, and what has gone wrong in so many people as they try to mature, but suffer crippling emotional hang-ups they find hard to recover from, or even recognize. Why do some men drive big trucks, buy bigger houses than they can afford, obsess about video games and sports, put on a fake macho appearance? Why do others shrink away from any kind of conflict, never rise to the occasion, and have a revolving door of women they use, abuse, and toss? What is the real cause of men having affairs and/or abandoning their families? Why is pornography so addictive to many men? What is the real, root cause of homosexuality? These are just a few of the things hounding me, not allowing my psyche any rest until answers, real answers, were found. Many a night I've gone on long, weary walks wandering the empty, abandoned streets at night, asking the heavens the questions that make my anguished, lonely heart heavy as lead, but receiving only agonizing silence as an answer.....
For mood music: Audiomachine - The Messenger
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UrvbhPslCg
More importantly, what's the root cause of, and solution to, such problems?
Over time, I've heard many explanations, most of them conflicting. My gut has given me sneaking suspicions as to what the answers might be, but my logic could never quite reach a definite solution. Couldn't quite put my finger on any of these tough questions despite applying enough analysis and linear cogitations towards it to fill a huge tome. Most of my thoughts' efforts were spent wading through the baseless, evidenceless opinions of people who hadn't thought this out, and, quite frankly, bull. (No offense intended.) Sure, some people are on to something, but when you follow the dollar, so to speak, you find it's only one branch of the tree of these issues. Only a symptom. Those of you who know me will also know I don't waste time wading through superficial garbage any longer than necessary; I want the truth and only the truth.
Fo mood music: Audiomachine - Legacy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYXiTN2GCdg
The author can be verbose, redundant, and get sidetracked at times, but as I critically read and seriously contemplated the ideas presented, John Eldredge's extensive personal experience and no-nonsense attitude shone on page after page. Everything was spelled out in a simple way I could understand. My healthy skepticism revealed every word he wrote to ring true and his points hit the mark dead center. Upon reading the book, I performed an honest evaluation of myself, searching myself deeper than I'd dare to before. It was not a comfortable experience, but sometimes, you just have to grit your teeth and dig deeper. You'd be surprised by what you've been lying to yourself about for so long....
For mood music: Audiomachine - The Truth
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYeYold6Uys
In light of the massive things learned, it all just... clicked. Lightbulbs flashed on. The way I've been viewing myself, people around me, interacting with them.... all wrong. So wrong. Backwards! How could I not have seen this? How could I have been so stupid, so blind? There's no way for me to explain it fully in music, text or poetry the wonder of experiencing that revelation: The bigger picture of the deepest drive of the souls of men, women, humanity, even a bit of God and who He is makes utter, complete sense now. What we've been told by society, and even by a large part of the church... gave us the wrong impression of who we are, who we ought to be, and what we are here to do. Not to be a drama-queen, but I've been shaken to the core, and my way of thinking have done a complete 180; hopefully, in a much better direction. I can only send heartfelt thanks to the heavens for finally answering the toughest of my questions in one fell swoop.
For mood music: Thomas Bergersen - Dreammaker
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k20NwCro8ig
I want to strive to be a different person. A better one. If you happen to run into me in person, be brutally honest and say what you think of me; the impressions I leave on you. Let me see my flaws so I can fix them.
"Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge. Get the book. Read it. Like any book, it won't answer everything, but it will attack the biggest questions head-on and leave you with a degree of closure.
I'll end with a quote:
“Manliness consists not in bluff, bravado or loneliness. It consists in daring to do the right thing and facing consequences whether it is in matters social, political or other. It consists in deeds not words.” - Mahatma Gandhi
_BlueScreen, 201212290223
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