Mood music for the first part of this
post: Mark Petrie – Global Reach
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8tG2HFFM3E
Looking back, this past semester held
many firsts for me. For instance, this semester was when I first:
-Did not make an A in any of my
classes. This disappoints me, but considering one of them was
calculus-based physics 2 (arguably one of the hardest courses you can
take at Tennessee Technological University), it is quite
understandable. But still the drive to excel nags me endlessly.
-Retook a course. Last time, I simply
had too heavy a workload and had to let a class drop. Differential
equations was the one to take the ax. So this semester, I retook that
one. It was easier the second time around due to the mere familiarity
of the material, but due to the aforementioned physics 2 this
semester, I honestly couldn't spend the necessary time to properly
memorize the material. For instance: the trigonometric identities. I
knew the few that the instructor used most often on the quizzes, but
as for the others... no clue. Which bit me in the rear on the exams.
-Got a 'D' and was happy about it. This
was for the second try on the differential equations. If I hadn't
passed this course, my graduation would be delayed by a whole
semester (again). Not good.
-Bought (ethyl, or drinking) alcohol. I
have been of legal age to buy it for a while now, but never bothered
to. Not the drinking type myself, but it is nice to have a bottle of
it around just in case of a special occasion. Have no clue what that
might be, but it's good to be prepared.
-Carried a concealed firearm in public. I now carry a registered firearm with me everywhere I am legally able to. It's not just for my protection, but for those around me. You never know when a life-threatening crime will happen to yourself or someone near you; and I can't stand the thought of helplessly watching it unfold as I do nothing about it. Now, if you (the reader of this article) do not like guns, that's okay. I respect your differing opinion, but that respect holds only as long as it is mutual. I refrain from shoving fanatical pro-gun politics down your throat, and therefore you should return the favor with your anti-gun politics. Let me have my weapon. I have a spotless criminal record (not even a speeding ticket to date), and went through a firearm safety course to boot; I freaking have a right to own and use a gun.
-Lived in an apartment and not in the dorms. It cost only half as much as a dorm room, and I get three times the space, a non-publicly shared bathroom, and some peace and quiet at the wee hours of the morning. Hootin' and hollerin' are fine, but NOT at 3AM the night before an exam.... Plus, my floor of the dorm held the pot-smokers, so the bathrooms were always trashed, the place was always noisy, etc. On move-out day, there was a condom water-balloon fight. I kid you not. Hope those things were not used, but with that bunch, you never know..... Glad to be outta those dorms.
-Had a nosebleed from crying myself to sleep. It was probably more from the stress of exams coupled with the dry winter air, but extreme emotional distress is definitely a factor in such things. Turns out that blood in the nostrils can be quite an irritant to allergy symptoms. Have to look out for that in the future.
-Witnessed a genuine food fight. Three
of them, in fact. Granted, they were perpetrated by the same two
people (who shall remain anonymous, but you know who you are) all
three times, but were nonetheless entertaining to watch. Fascinating
it is, to discover the many finite ways in which a given container of
consumables may be spilt.
-Walked through a door which a girl
that I know is holding open for me. Having lived a sheltered life up
until college, I have a habit of trying to compensate for a lack of
social skills by being gentlemanly/polite to an almost creepy degree.
And, it's sometimes difficult to treat others as social equals and
not as superiors. Indeed, in most social situations, I feel like a
blind man in a minefield. Awkwardness abounds.... But fret not; the
situation becomes slightly amended almost every day.
-Said two things at once. Got hyped up
on caffeine one night and my mouth tried to spit out two words at
once from different sentences. Ended up sounding like a
tongue-fumble, but somehow, both words came out. For someone who
speaks, moves, even thinks slowly, this kind of event can be quite
rare.
-Bought a mattress. There was not
already a bed I could crash on at the apartment, plus I was going to
need a mattress to haul around for other places I would move on to.
Besides being a relatively large and long-term financial transaction,
the significance of having a bed to call my own also felt like it
symbolized me planting a foot out in the Big, Wide World, outside of
my parents' home. I may return to my childhood bed from time to time
when visiting the family, but I don't live there anymore.
-Read a large portion of the Bible
consecutively. Reading (and meditating on) the Bible from cover to
cover has been on my bucket list for some time, so I started reading
a little bit of it beginning in Matthew. Every now and then, I'd read
for about ten minutes before going to bed. Then a week or two later,
pressures from school, friends, life's obligations, and so on weighed
heavily on me. Difficult questions hounded me every waking moment.
What is the goal here? What am I trying to prove? Will I ever amount
to anything? And especially to this day: Despite my best efforts, why
am I still so lonely? The emotional turmoil took a toll. Felt like I
just didn't have it in me to keep going. It became a battle just to
get out of bed in the morning. Out of sheer spiritual necessity, I
made a point to read and pray over whatever verses I read every
night, no matter what. This was not mere dragging-eyes-over-the-page
kind of reading; this was comprehensive reading as much as one could
muster. There were many nights I'd read the same passages again and
again, the whole while mystified, confused, sometimes captivated. By
far I didn't understand a fraction of what I read through, but what
tiny shreds I did understand bolstered my faith to the point I had
something to hold on to. Reading the Bible hasn't made my problems
nor all my innermost pain go away, but it did give me something to
keep me going when I had nothing left to give. During Final Exams
week, when you become sleep-deprived, the demands of school triple,
friends are nowhere to be found, and you have been emotionally shot
for a number of weeks already, that's all you can hope for. To
survive until it ends. Right at the last day of last semester, I
finished reading John. So that's Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John read
over a period of about four months. Average speed was about a chapter
or two a day. So, if that kind of pace can be kept up, the whole
thing could be read in... what, a year? Sounds do-able to me.
Okay, now you'll notice I don't talk
about my faith that often. But when I do, I mean it. Just keep that
in mind.
-There are many other firsts, some
mundane and not worth writing about; others are private and will not
be mentioned here. Only the more interesting ones were included in
the above list.
Mood music for the remainder of this
post: Audiomachine – As Daylight Dies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIsK3ryNwdI
So, as the metaphorical credits have
long past rolled by for last semester, the winter break has given me
ample time to reflect upon its events. Some events were triumphs,
some ended with regrets. But in all, so much has happened; I've
learned and matured so much in -and mostly out of- the classroom and
feel like a different person entirely. That unbearably awkward,
almost creepy geek I used to be is fading away bit by bit.... The
song As Daylight Dies haunts me in the way it describes so much of my
feelings, but I hope my sun is far from setting.... If I can just
survive to graduation, I just might have a chance to make something
of myself; test my limits on a greater adventure; grasp for something
bigger. We'll see. We'll see.
_BlueScreen, 201212280109
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