For mood music: Temple One - Eternal Light (Original mix)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfXDMBvs8lk
One of the many consequences of
maintaining an active mind is the inevitable result of continually
having great ideas, half-baked as they initially are, and no matter
how good of an idea, it always gets forgotten (memorization is not
exactly one of my strengths). So, I always keep a notebook nearby in
order to allow me to remember the ideas better, improve them, flesh
them out, perhaps even bring them to fruition at a later date. There
have been countless nights where I've long gone to bed, but been kept
up by the flickering seed of an idea, but it keeps me tossing and
turning restlessly. The noise of its tenacious cry to be remembered
permits no rest until it has been recorded for posterity. Then I get
a flashlight out and record this piece of thought on paper. Once
done, my mind is cleared of material to work with, and it falls
asleep. Over time, the notebook becomes completely filled with
schematics, drawings, miscellaneous text I've jotted down, etc., and
so from time to time it has to be ended and another began. With a
70-page spiral-bound notebook, there's only so much room of course.
After filling a couple of these, I began to name them.
People name important inanimate objects
all the time; cars, ships, buildings, even guns. I name my notebooks,
because they hold liquefied cogitations; a distilled piece of my own
personality.
Another thing needs to be explained
before I can get on with the main ramblings here: calendars. Since
about a year ago, I've had a paper print-out calendar. Just plain
squares with numbers; no colors or fancy stationery. It's stayed with
me for most of that time and when I need to remember or record a
major event, like submitting an assignment, or someone's birthday, it
is written in. Granted, it's not as detailed or emotionally
significant as, say, a diary, but it's interesting to look back over
what has transpired and have those short, sloppy scrawlings cause one
to remember the circumstances under which they were made, and the
events that became associated with them: the people met, things done,
memories made. If it were not for this small bundle of humble paper,
my life would have been that much more difficult. Why? Think about
it: because a calendar allows a conscientious note-taker to
effectively possess almost flawless recollection of tasks that need
to be done on a deadline. Thus, having a calendar within arm's reach
at all times in order to record a reminder at a moment's notice has
become second-nature. No, I do not name my calendars.
For mood music: Ron Van Den Beuken -
Overdrive
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0QM9F9v-bY
Alright, alright, here's the point. As
stated in a previous blog post, this past semester beheld many
first's to me. But this winter break has been almost completely a
time of relative solitude, contemplation, introspection, and mostly
retrospection. Sometimes you have to spend a few moments to escape
distractions, seek some quiet in order to do some long-neglected
soul-searching to remember who you've been, who you are, and who you
want to be. I'm not explaining it right, so try to see the ideas
behind the words used... You have to simply be distant from a
situation in order to have a more complete perspective on what you're
looking at.
Let's try a sports analogy: when you're
a football player on the field, all you can see is what's in front of
you. Everything else going on is out of sight or partially obscured
by other things going on. Other players move around, preventing you
from perceiving their formation; deafening cheers of the crowd block
you from hearing any possible communication from your teammates. Now,
take your perspective and throw it into the livingroom of a sports
fan watching the event on television. Not only do the cameras allow
the fan to simultaneously see what everyone is doing, the instant
replays emphasize important details and events that otherwise would
have been missed by a less-observant eye. And there's the entire
microphone network allowing the fan to hear many things going on. And
don't forget play-by-play interpretation by the sports announcers.
Such is the difference between
involvement and distance from an event or series of events. The
distance need not be actual physical removal; it could also be
emotional or time distance. In this case, it's time. As they say,
hindsight is 20/20. I'm inclined to agree. This December, it feels as
if the intro- and retro- spection coupled with deep contemplation has
made it a time of transition. Looking back, I see a nerdy person who
is unbearably awkward around other people and bumbles about clumsily
in almost every conversation. Today, when I look in a personality
mirror, the nerdiness is just as present, but not as dominating a
feature. The awkwardness has faded considerably. A different person
is there.
For mood music: Thomas Bronzwaer -
Resound
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wF_C8yqo1Pk
What does this have to do with
notebooks and calendars? Well, a week ago my most recent notebook
filled up. I looked back through it, examined the progression of
thought patterns during a lengthy trip down memory lane. The earliest
entry is from August 13, 2008. That was a full year before entering
into college. That entry was written by a homeschooling teenager who
had no formal training in any profession, never had a "real"
job, had no friends, had the vaguest of ideas as to a direction for
his future path. He never had had anyone to talk to, go on a walk
with him to eat lunch, or any connection with a like-minded
individual. No idea how to talk to a girl, much less hold a
conversation. That poor kid had no idea how lonely he was....
And the calendar only went to December
2012. Naturally, a new one had to be acquired beginning January 2013.
That makes two major changes occurring, both of them marking the end
of one chapter in life, but the beginning of another. No, this is not
about cheesy new year's resolutions; the fact that it happened at
this time is entirely coincidental. This is about progress.
For mood music: Thomas Bronzwaer -
Shadow World (Mix mash up)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oxxo9RpoSc
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it would
seem the mark of maturity is not what you've gained so much as what
you've let go of. It's nearly impossible to embrace who you are
turning into unless you let go of who you've been. Sure it sounds
like mushy identity crisis jargon, but at least it makes sense; you
have to close the current chapter before you can turn the page.
Improvement doesn't happen by sitting still. But now I'm being
didactic. The last thing you need is a piece of pedagogy from me in
your face.
For mood music: Temple One - Silent
Nature [Original Mix] HQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTTDOLfj4ao
...Sigh, it makes me uncomfortable to
talk about myself and semi-personal thoughts so much; but I can't
help but write about things. The only other options for writing in a
blog are the robotic projects I've been doing, which few people will
understand (and I'd much rather DO the projects than talk about
them), or writing short-story fiction, which can be interesting
sometimes. Short-story fiction can allow one to express feelings and
emotions, but the alternate settings, characters, etc. either depart
from reality and become irrelevant to the things I'm going through,
or risk becoming parables of a daily drama with thin masks over the
character's faces when we all can figure out they are just codenames
for real people that the author wants to gossip about but can't do so
directly without alienating the rest of their social network so the
author dresses it up as pseudo-fiction....
None of these situations are desirable,
but on the other hand, talking about oneself for so long just smacks
of ego. How to avoid doing such? Haven't the faintest idea, but not
much is going on where I'm sitting besides said technical projects
and reminiscing. No worries, once the semester begins, there will be
plenty of events to write about.
I'll probably be embarrassed at some
later date that any of the personal stuff in this post, or indeed
this entire blog, was written by me, much less posted on the
Internet, but how else is someone to know me if not by my mother
tongue? The spoken word stumbles haltingly, and trips over my lips,
whereas text flows with graceful ease. Ideas, emotions, events, most
of them can be effectively communicated with the written word.
My heart sees in color, but my mind only
understands black and white....
While in a digressing mood, we might as
well mention the current mood music, Temple One - Silent Nature from
4:10 to about 4:37, seems to portray a kind of inner calm only
silent, introverted people seem to have and enjoy. All else is still
and the peace allows one to relax... rest. A moment of pure calm
where there is no agitation or inner warfare. A conflicted, lonely
soul like mine craves and cherishes these brief slices of time....
Well, it's getting late in this time
zone. Time to stop rambling so much.
_BlueScreen, 201301120357
No comments:
Post a Comment