'Wild at Heart' book report

[Please note that when I post a link to 'mood music,' that means it's best to have that music on loop while you read what I've written up until the next mood music link; music, the purest expression of emotion itself, helps greatly to enhance the meaning, tone, and intent of the text. This post has a great number of links on it because it is more emotional than usual, so bear with me here.]

For mood music: Amethystium - Strangely Beautiful
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53lfXb73z3c

At the recommendation of someone close to me, I've been reading the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge. Haven't finished it yet, but closing in on the end of it. Very few books are so good that I can't put them down; with this one, I seriously considered reading it all night and simply not sleeping until it was finished. In my 3 and 1/2 years of engineering school, I've done one all-nighter, and that was because I absolutely had no other choice. This book was more than good enough that I nearly did that voluntarily. Which leads to my understatement of the month: it's a darn-good book.

Before reading it, I had many, many burning questions that keep following me everywhere. Very few of the people around me, or our culture made sense: there's a cause for everything, but why can't I figure it out? From numerous careful everyday observations, I've gained small insight into human nature, as well as why men are as they are and ditto with women. No, this is not the "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" kind of thing. That's a drastic oversimplification that glazes over what's really going on. "Wild at Heart" is about what masculinity (and a little about what femininity) actually is, what it's meant to be, and what has gone wrong in so many people as they try to mature, but suffer crippling emotional hang-ups they find hard to recover from, or even recognize. Why do some men drive big trucks, buy bigger houses than they can afford, obsess about video games and sports, put on a fake macho appearance? Why do others shrink away from any kind of conflict, never rise to the occasion, and have a revolving door of women they use, abuse, and toss? What is the real cause of men having affairs and/or abandoning their families? Why is pornography so addictive to many men? What is the real, root cause of homosexuality? These are just a few of the things hounding me, not allowing my psyche any rest until answers, real answers, were found. Many a night I've gone on long, weary walks wandering the empty, abandoned streets at night, asking the heavens the questions that make my anguished, lonely heart heavy as lead, but receiving only agonizing silence as an answer.....

For mood music: Audiomachine - The Messenger
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UrvbhPslCg

More importantly, what's the root cause of, and solution to, such problems?  

Over time, I've heard many explanations, most of them conflicting. My gut has given me sneaking suspicions as to what the answers might be, but my logic could never quite reach a definite solution. Couldn't quite put my finger on any of these tough questions despite applying enough analysis and linear cogitations towards it to fill a huge tome. Most of my thoughts' efforts were spent wading through the baseless, evidenceless opinions of people who hadn't thought this out, and, quite frankly, bull. (No offense intended.) Sure, some people are on to something, but when you follow the dollar, so to speak, you find it's only one branch of the tree of these issues. Only a symptom. Those of you who know me will also know I don't waste time wading through superficial garbage any longer than necessary; I want the truth and only the truth.

Fo mood music: Audiomachine - Legacy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYXiTN2GCdg

The author can be verbose, redundant, and get sidetracked at times, but as I critically read and seriously contemplated the ideas presented, John Eldredge's extensive personal experience and no-nonsense attitude shone on page after page. Everything was spelled out in a simple way I could understand. My healthy skepticism revealed every word he wrote to ring true and his points hit the mark dead center.  Upon reading the book, I performed an honest evaluation of myself, searching myself deeper than I'd dare to before. It was not a comfortable experience, but sometimes, you just have to grit your teeth and dig deeper. You'd be surprised by what you've been lying to yourself about for so long....

For mood music: Audiomachine - The Truth
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYeYold6Uys

In light of the massive things learned, it all just... clicked. Lightbulbs flashed on. The way I've been viewing myself, people around me, interacting with them.... all wrong. So wrong. Backwards! How could I not have seen this? How could I have been so stupid, so blind? There's no way for me to explain it fully in music, text or poetry the wonder of experiencing that revelation: The bigger picture of  the deepest drive of the souls of men, women, humanity, even a bit of God and who He is makes utter, complete sense now. What we've been told by society, and even by a large part of the church... gave us the wrong impression of who we are, who we ought to be, and what we are here to do. Not to be a drama-queen, but I've been shaken to the core, and my way of thinking have done a complete 180; hopefully, in a much better direction. I can only send heartfelt thanks to the heavens for finally answering the toughest of my questions in one fell swoop.

For mood music: Thomas Bergersen - Dreammaker
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k20NwCro8ig

 I want to strive to be a different person. A better one. If you happen to run into me in person, be brutally honest and say what you think of me; the impressions I leave on you. Let me see my flaws so I can fix them.

"Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge. Get the book. Read it. Like any book, it won't answer everything, but it will attack the biggest questions head-on and leave you with a degree of closure.

I'll end with a quote:
“Manliness consists not in bluff, bravado or loneliness. It consists in daring to do the right thing and facing consequences whether it is in matters social, political or other. It consists in deeds not words.” - Mahatma Gandhi


_BlueScreen, 201212290223


  

Fall Semester 2012 in retrospect.

Mood music for the first part of this post: Mark Petrie – Global Reach

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8tG2HFFM3E

Looking back, this past semester held many firsts for me. For instance, this semester was when I first:

-Did not make an A in any of my classes. This disappoints me, but considering one of them was calculus-based physics 2 (arguably one of the hardest courses you can take at Tennessee Technological University), it is quite understandable. But still the drive to excel nags me endlessly.

-Retook a course. Last time, I simply had too heavy a workload and had to let a class drop. Differential equations was the one to take the ax. So this semester, I retook that one. It was easier the second time around due to the mere familiarity of the material, but due to the aforementioned physics 2 this semester, I honestly couldn't spend the necessary time to properly memorize the material. For instance: the trigonometric identities. I knew the few that the instructor used most often on the quizzes, but as for the others... no clue. Which bit me in the rear on the exams.

-Got a 'D' and was happy about it. This was for the second try on the differential equations. If I hadn't passed this course, my graduation would be delayed by a whole semester (again). Not good.

-Bought (ethyl, or drinking) alcohol. I have been of legal age to buy it for a while now, but never bothered to. Not the drinking type myself, but it is nice to have a bottle of it around just in case of a special occasion. Have no clue what that might be, but it's good to be prepared.

-Carried a concealed firearm in public. I now carry a registered firearm with me everywhere I am legally able to. It's not just for my protection, but for those around me. You never know when a life-threatening crime will happen to yourself or someone near you; and I can't stand the thought of helplessly watching it unfold as I do nothing about it. Now, if you (the reader of this article) do not like guns, that's okay. I respect your differing opinion, but that respect holds only as long as it is mutual. I refrain from shoving fanatical pro-gun politics down your throat, and therefore you should return the favor with your anti-gun politics. Let me have my weapon. I have a spotless criminal record (not even a speeding ticket to date), and went through a firearm safety course to boot; I freaking have a right to own and use a gun.

-Lived in an apartment and not in the dorms. It cost only half as much as a dorm room, and I get three times the space, a non-publicly shared bathroom, and some peace and quiet at the wee hours of the morning. Hootin' and hollerin' are fine, but NOT at 3AM the night before an exam.... Plus, my floor of the dorm held the pot-smokers, so the bathrooms were always trashed, the place was always noisy, etc. On move-out day, there was a condom water-balloon fight. I kid you not. Hope those things were not used, but with that bunch, you never know..... Glad to be outta those dorms.

-Had a nosebleed from crying myself to sleep. It was probably more from the stress of exams coupled with the dry winter air, but extreme emotional distress is definitely a factor in such things. Turns out that blood in the nostrils can be quite an irritant to allergy symptoms. Have to look out for that in the future.

-Witnessed a genuine food fight. Three of them, in fact. Granted, they were perpetrated by the same two people (who shall remain anonymous, but you know who you are) all three times, but were nonetheless entertaining to watch. Fascinating it is, to discover the many finite ways in which a given container of consumables may be spilt.

-Walked through a door which a girl that I know is holding open for me. Having lived a sheltered life up until college, I have a habit of trying to compensate for a lack of social skills by being gentlemanly/polite to an almost creepy degree. And, it's sometimes difficult to treat others as social equals and not as superiors. Indeed, in most social situations, I feel like a blind man in a minefield. Awkwardness abounds.... But fret not; the situation becomes slightly amended almost every day.

-Said two things at once. Got hyped up on caffeine one night and my mouth tried to spit out two words at once from different sentences. Ended up sounding like a tongue-fumble, but somehow, both words came out. For someone who speaks, moves, even thinks slowly, this kind of event can be quite rare.

-Bought a mattress. There was not already a bed I could crash on at the apartment, plus I was going to need a mattress to haul around for other places I would move on to. Besides being a relatively large and long-term financial transaction, the significance of having a bed to call my own also felt like it symbolized me planting a foot out in the Big, Wide World, outside of my parents' home. I may return to my childhood bed from time to time when visiting the family, but I don't live there anymore.

-Read a large portion of the Bible consecutively. Reading (and meditating on) the Bible from cover to cover has been on my bucket list for some time, so I started reading a little bit of it beginning in Matthew. Every now and then, I'd read for about ten minutes before going to bed. Then a week or two later, pressures from school, friends, life's obligations, and so on weighed heavily on me. Difficult questions hounded me every waking moment. What is the goal here? What am I trying to prove? Will I ever amount to anything? And especially to this day: Despite my best efforts, why am I still so lonely? The emotional turmoil took a toll. Felt like I just didn't have it in me to keep going. It became a battle just to get out of bed in the morning. Out of sheer spiritual necessity, I made a point to read and pray over whatever verses I read every night, no matter what. This was not mere dragging-eyes-over-the-page kind of reading; this was comprehensive reading as much as one could muster. There were many nights I'd read the same passages again and again, the whole while mystified, confused, sometimes captivated. By far I didn't understand a fraction of what I read through, but what tiny shreds I did understand bolstered my faith to the point I had something to hold on to. Reading the Bible hasn't made my problems nor all my innermost pain go away, but it did give me something to keep me going when I had nothing left to give. During Final Exams week, when you become sleep-deprived, the demands of school triple, friends are nowhere to be found, and you have been emotionally shot for a number of weeks already, that's all you can hope for. To survive until it ends. Right at the last day of last semester, I finished reading John. So that's Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John read over a period of about four months. Average speed was about a chapter or two a day. So, if that kind of pace can be kept up, the whole thing could be read in... what, a year? Sounds do-able to me.

Okay, now you'll notice I don't talk about my faith that often. But when I do, I mean it. Just keep that in mind.

-There are many other firsts, some mundane and not worth writing about; others are private and will not be mentioned here. Only the more interesting ones were included in the above list.

Mood music for the remainder of this post: Audiomachine – As Daylight Dies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIsK3ryNwdI

So, as the metaphorical credits have long past rolled by for last semester, the winter break has given me ample time to reflect upon its events. Some events were triumphs, some ended with regrets. But in all, so much has happened; I've learned and matured so much in -and mostly out of- the classroom and feel like a different person entirely. That unbearably awkward, almost creepy geek I used to be is fading away bit by bit.... The song As Daylight Dies haunts me in the way it describes so much of my feelings, but I hope my sun is far from setting.... If I can just survive to graduation, I just might have a chance to make something of myself; test my limits on a greater adventure; grasp for something bigger. We'll see. We'll see.

_BlueScreen, 201212280109

My first blog.

At the request of a couple of friends, I have finally taken the plunge to make a blog. So, here you go: a place to deposit overly verbose rants and other unnecessarily wordy things that make Facebook crash.

_BlueScreen 201212101840